Men and Women

I try not to be judgemental.  I have a hard time accepting some things about Indian culture.  Gender roles are ultra-defined.  Women’s roles are strictly set out, and “happily” adhered to by most.  One wife wakes up at 4:30 am to make sure she has time to prepare lunch for her husband before he leaves for work at 7:30.  When she was ill and spent two days in hospital, her husband and son checked into a hotel.  God forbid they should actually make food for themselves for two days – just not done.

Sandia's Family and Neighbours

Many men work away from home.  In one family, the husband works in Dubai, and only comes home to Kochi for two weeks a year at Christmas time.  This is normal and common.

Boys and men frolic on the beach, swimming and playing together, in bathing suits and western clothing.  Women watch.  A couple of them may go in the water, fully clothed in their traditional saris.  This is normal, and totally accepted.

Most don’t know how to swim, though they are surrounded by water.  A houseboat in Allepei tipped at the dock, and two children and two women died, and many were injured.  We heard of another tragedy, where 40 children from 10 to 12 years of age were on a field trip from school, on a wooden boat with a capacity for 20 people.  The boat sunk and dozens died.  They couldn’t swim, and there were only a couple of life jackets, not in use.

We saw a celebration in Munnar with 25 women dancing freely together – the husbands were nowhere to be seen.  If they were there, the women could not be free to dance, since the husbands would not like other men to see “their women” dancing.  Only when the men are not around are the women free to “party”.

Women Dancing

On the buses, women sit at the front, men in the rear.  Even Amy and I separate in deference to the custom.  Why?

In the little restaurants, dozens of men sit, no women to be seen.  They are at home, cooking and cleaning for their families.

Whatever the man says, this is what is done.  Yet the women appear strong, happy and not meek.  Most seem to accept this reality, without question.

If a woman is divorced or widowed, there is usually no consideration of remarriage, and even if there are children, they are left to provide for them alone, often with extreme deprivation.  We did hear that in the Muslim community, a brother of the husband or other family member might marry the woman – perhaps an additional wife – to provide.  But in the Hindu tradition, this is not done.

Men leave their wives, and there is nothing to be done, no help, no support.  To me it seems unfair, but in this world, it is accepted as what is.  My western judgement (discernment?) cries out that this is completely unfair, but I don’t know if it’s seen that way here.  It’s hard to fathom.

Yet, the people seem happy, so friendly, warm and genuine.  Perhaps it is the daily spiritual connection that allows them to accept what is with grace and make the best of it.  I don’t often hear complaints, but do experience their sense of gratitude to God or the Cosmos for life, however it is presented.

Children rarely cry, except for very young babies.  They seem content, happy with their family life, and curious to meet us “fresh monkeys”.  Yet we hear that children are beaten (the “bamboo massage”) and this is acceptable, as long as it is done to teach and not because of uncontrolled anger.  We hear stories of rape of daughters by fathers, and sometimes these things are reported and dealt with, sometimes not.  Sometimes the mothers say and do nothing to stop it.

So many contradictions and questions.  It's hard to avoid judgement, but I try.